Have you noticed your own fatigue? Have you noticed your own sense of overwhelm, or panic, or even hopelessness? All these issues, all these feelings, all these sensations rise in us, but shame also rises in us. It’s the shame of not being valued as a human being. And it’s the shame of the experience of not being worthy of love. This is our work, this is my work, with my experience of the pain of the last 500 years.
Image by Pete Souza
Shut up and listen could be the catchcry of mindfulness meditation. It’s the very essence of the practice. We get still and quiet, and we pay attention. Through repeating this over and over and over, we begin learning more about ourselves and the world around us, and knowing ourselves and understanding others more deeply.
And the more we engage in the practice, the less inclined we are to offer advice and opinions, while we become more inclined to utilize beginner’s mind and learn from those around us.
Rarely has the practice of shutting up and listening been so important as it is today.
All around us right now are outrage and sadness. What I am finding is that much of the outrage comes from my white brothers and sisters, and much of the sadness comes from the black community. Certainly, they are outraged, but the incidents they are responding to are nothing new to them. This is their day-to-day reality. African American parents all need to have that talk about how to interact with police and other members of our community—how to carry themselves, what to say and what not to say, places to avoid, and ultimately, how to be submissive in order to perhaps avoid being killed or hurt.
White men like me never had that talk as kids. White women had some of that talk, but not to the same degree. White men like me—in particular—have no idea what it means to be black. We have not walked 10 yards in their shoes, let alone a mile. So without that background, and for the purposes of this post, I can only reference my own perspective, and speak to those who share similar experiences of privilege as myself. The ‘we’ I speak about therefore relates to people who have not been subjected to the full extent of that talk.
Much of the outrage at the moment is coming from the white community. While it’s wonderful that we’re finally waking up to the realities of blackness in this country, the very fact that it took us this long should give us reason for pause.
But—like they say—there’s no time like the present. Now is the time to be present with what our black brethren are actually experiencing: the outrage, the sadness, the fear, the hopelessness, and the shame. Now is the time to recognize why our outraged response contributes to these feelings. Now is the time to use our privilege to benefit all beings, and especially those less privileged than ourselves.
Most importantly, now is the time to shut up and listen.
Black people have spent their entire lifetimes listening to us and our opinions. We’ve overrun their TV screens, their movie screens, their literature, their children’s books, and their politics with whiteness. They already know what we think. We’ve made it very clear. Even when we join them in protest, it’s not uncommon for us to make it more about us than it is about them.
So now, I invite you to take a breath. Breathe in. Breathe out. Let your opinions rest for a moment. Let your thoughts be. And welcome someone else’s ideas to the table. Sincerely welcome it. Go out of your way to ask people you don’t fully understand more about themselves. Make an effort to ask how you can help, rather than just assume whatever you’re offering is the right thing. Allow those living in a different reality to explain to you what that looks like. Welcome every suggestion that what you are saying or doing might—in some way—be racist.
Yes, this last one is really important. Don’t assume you’re not racist. In fact, assume that you are. Assume that you are, and that you don’t see it yet. And when people point it out to you, take it in as deeply as you can. Recognize it. Notice the feelings that come with defensiveness and guilt and reactivity. Sit with those feelings, embracing them. Then, when you’re ready, address the issue with grace and humility.
Racism is systemic. It is almost impossible for you to not be—in some way—racist. While guilt may arise around this, there is no good reason to feel guilty about it. Where does that get you? Where does it get anyone? But there is every reason to address it, to ensure it doesn’t happen again. And when it does happen again, to be present enough to become aware of it before most other people do—and to address it again.
There has rarely been a more important time to shut up and listen. This one small act could change so much.
Terrific post as always. My only problem with it is that you write as though you are exclusively addressing white people when you use terms like “we” after making it clear that you, the writer, are white. Maybe the people who read your posts are all white, I don’t know.
But don’t let that detract from the importance and truth of what you say, especially about the need to acknowledge that white people are almost inevitably racist and need to really hear that, especially from people of color.